Dread _ 7.1.20
These days, I’ve learned to notice it a lot more when fear is lurking in the shadows.
It’s murky, it’s messy, and often, it drags you through the mud.
Dread dragged me most of my life. It showed it’s ugliness through procrastination, avoidance, attachment, insecurity, fighting, and depression. Many of those times, I never noticed dread for what it was. But I guess that’s the beauty of life and personal growth.
Recently, I’ve come face-to-face with dread again. However, this time, I was ‘aware’. And because of that, it hurt more. Why does it hurt?
The month of June was very difficult for me. Many things happened. So quick, too. Both in the world and with the inevitable change that was happening in my life. It was both June Gloom and June Bloom. June made me believe everything can change in a quickness!
With this sense of gloominess last month, I noticed dread come up in avoiding all the progress I’ve made. In my healing. In getting the clarity I desperately needed regarding my circumstances. To truly understand why I am here and in grasping my role in this universe and lifetime.
I was scared, honestly. More scared than I had ever been. Ever. And because of this fear, I let it drag me through the mud… until many things led from one thing to another. Eventually, I asked. And prayed. And cried (many times). I had that ‘falling to the knee’ moment. I also dreamt of a lot.
And then, the Bloom began to happen. I had never had so much clarity. After all of that last month. It happened and I knew what I had to do.
Eventually, I made a really difficult choice. Making important decisions are such a double-edged sword experience. It fucking hurts but it’s heart, too. It’s letting go and letting God in. It’s surrendering to a path that I can’t begin to understand in its entirety but finally trusting. It’s about trusting yourself. And I did that.
July welcomes in new energy for me. One that is bright and full of promise. One of new beginnings. For now, it’s one I’ll be taking solo to harness and protect my energy, rest, celebrate, and restore for what’s to come.
Because damn, there’s so much more coming.