Addiction _ 5.19.20
When I think about addictions, I always think about the things I reach for to service a need that can otherwise be coped with by just talking or dealing with my emotions.
Take cigarettes. I thought I’d never been the one to smoke a cigarette in my life. I was that straight-edge kid that just couldn’t fathom how drastically I could have changed in a matter of a decade.
Between 21–26, I was pretty much a smoker. It wasn’t habitual, though. It came about often just by going out, being social, and doing all the things single women do, watching music, and taking breaks outside the venues in between every now and then. A cigarette passes. Why not?
Now that I think about it, I’m pretty sure I had my first cigarette at a music festival, probably high off life.
Actually, I’ve had only one pack the entire time. Smoked that one on occasion. I was driven to buy that pack due to being in a different country. I was at a bar in Prague, presented with these unique cigarettes that I’ve never heard of. The box was called Lucky’s. I was drunk. It was momentous. I couldn’t help myself.
Plus, it was interesting to have been much more influenced to smoke having lived abroad for half a year. I’ve seen young girls at the age of 15–16 smoking! It was such a norm. London, too. There weren’t even designated smoking areas. I can just be on the dance floor and yes, sure, let’s light a cigarette right here and bask in it…
Italy was worst because it was a cigarette every morning with coffee and one after dinner with ice cream.
I also think those addictions I had were further fueled with who I was fleetingly dating at the time. Most of them were also social smokers and fed into the habit just the same. I was bound to smoke more if I had somebody doing it with me. And it took the same factor of dating someone who suggested to stop to have the habit kicked for good.
I don’t regret it honestly, it showed me parts of myself. Of all the things I had issues coping with internally. It was an escape. Just as fleeting as the memories of those years.
But also, it was the cigarette lit standing at a mid-length top of a hill, alone, watching a castle I was hiking to, but couldn’t make because of the wrong damn shoes. It was in those times I said ‘fuck it, I’m lighting a cigarette’, shut up, and enjoyed it.